Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Fundraisers, Funerals and Post-its

Can I tell you what is on my desk right now?  A little stack of candy-colored, heart-shaped post-its, unopened.

The other day, I went to a funeral and it was beautiful.  The thoughts that were shared and the stories that were told made me want to live a better life.  I haven’t been to many funerals, but it was striking to me that during the short service, more than one speaker believed that the purpose of life was to love.  Love.  What a fabulous (and you’d think, relatively easy to accomplish) task. Our highest goal, the Big Kahuna of what we should strive for while on this earth, is being loving.

Hand in hand with that is that nothing feels as good as being loved by another. 
 

My best friend’s father growing up was in sales—very quickly he climbed up that corporate ladder until he became like a lot of the middle class dads of our peers, which meant that we didn’t really know what they did other than wear a tie; but he started in sales.  And he was terrifying.  We could have set up a haunted house, charged admission and merely opened the door to her dad sitting in the foyer and children would have run screaming and scarred for nights to come. 

He didn’t mean to be scary; he was never outright harsh-- he was merely more burly ‘dad’ than most of us kids were used to.  I tell you this only to better illustrate some of what made him a very successful salesman.  Once, for a school fundraiser, his daughter Cara and I had to go door-to-door in an attempt to sell various items and this man gave us a crash course in how to make a sale. Rule Numero Uno was never get embarrassed.  If a buyer says no, you just ask again.  Rule Numero Two was don’t care what others think.  This brings you back to rule one— buyer may continue to say ‘no’, but if you’re oblivious to the eye-brow raises and nonverbal cues, you’ll feel fine about directing them to the page offering the 5 gallon tubs of popcorn.

In the end, Cara and I managed to sell a cheesecake to my mom.  We met a lot of the neighbors, but we just couldn’t do the whole stone cold salesman routine.  We just couldn’t. 

We wanted to be liked.


This is one of my first memories of being aware that I cared what people thought about me.  I really cared.  And it wasn’t a bad thing.  In fact, I believe caring what people think about you, being embarrassed, being shy, even backing down when people give you strange looks are all extensions of that deep, soul-rooted desire to be loved. 

Today I made my kids their first-day-of-school lunches and right now I’m feeling awful because I forgot to include little notes written on the heart-shaped stickies that I bought just for this occasion.  I totally forgot.  Juice was packed, dairy, starch, veggie and fruit were all represented in their sacks—I remembered their physical well-being, but…

I don’t even know how to put it into words, this admitted confession that I spaced on the part of their well-being that matters most--  I forgot to do something to make them feel loved.

Why couldn't I be the mom who occasionaly forgets the food, but always remembers the note?  That would never happen.  And I’m sad that this is the case.  

I think about what we’re supposed to take away from funerals and failing and forgetting to put in sticky notes and I think it’s that Love really is the answer. 


With all the excitement the first day of school holds, I know my kids won’t even notice the absence of a note from mom.  But I also know, that it’s because I love them that I’m saddened when I miss an opportunity to show them Love.

Little heart-shaped post-its will be waiting on the door when K and C get home because I know they’ll think it’s cute.  But more important than that, I'm going to be waiting with hugs, ready to hear about their day
because I know that dopey notes are just that.


 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Radio Flyer is looking Frumpy

It's Friday and the kids are asking to do some, "man-work".   I know, I know!!  horrible, sexist, chauvinist, how could I let my kids set back the woman-kind, fifty years?  nay, SIXTY!  Here are my thoughts on that:  I have a six-year old boy adrift in a sea of females and already, he has learned how enjoyable it is to build and make a noisy mess and work with dangerous tools.  He's named this sort of fun 'man-work' because he sees himself as a man.  And if he want's to categorize something he sees mommy doing almost daily as 'man-work', it is fine with me.

Since we finished ripping and tearing at the house, the kids (and I) sometimes get a Jonesin' to fix something.

Step right on up, Miss Frumpy Radio Flyer---  you're the next victim contestant!


She's just seen better days.   Would you like to hear a bit about her story?  This wagon came into our family about five years ago and , now this is the sad part-- if there are other wagons of a sensitive age out there-- cover your ears.  I... *gasp*... used this wagon as a wheelbarrow for all of those five years.


Me and Red have moved a LOT of boulders and dirt and even a few dressers together and it's time to take this little lady back to the ball.   Little aside here-- most wheelbarrows are built for men--- i know, "sexist, BOO-hiss!  how can you say that?"  I mean literally, they are built for wider shoulders, upper body strength and a lower center of gravity than women have.    When moving large, unwieldy loads of rock, a wagon served the purpose perfectly for me.  So ladies out there, don't you dare put off digging that garden because you need to wait for your husband to move the dirt-- grab a wagon and get to work with your kids!

Step one: take off the extras.  We removed the side rails, just the teamwork needed to manage the wrenches and pliers and screwdrivers neccesary to remove each bolt is worth doing this project.

Step two:  sand.  it will help new stain last longer and kids love it.

step three:  took a field trip to home depot and the kids picked out a new color.  They played it safe.  I DO recommend rust-oleum.



They carefully painted for twenty minutes, then a neighbor came over with, "a REALLY fat toad," and we lost Charlie.


We stained the wood rails to, "look like chocolate", we pumped up the tires with air, we put on new bolts.  We had a great Friday.  Hope you did, too!


Wednesday, August 31, 2011

REvamp Vendnesday

Nod to Dracula's cool accent.

Exhibit A:  Lame brass chandelier that I am sure you see everywhere, but hardly notice because of aforementioned lameness.  

The really great redeeming quality of this chandelier is that it has a LOT of arms.  It's dramatic, but in it's current state, it's dramatic dulled down by 90's era oversaturation.  This lamp is going to go on a covered outdoor deck.  The location allows for some more playful use of  spraypaint than my indoor projects do.



I chose a vibrant green.  I hung the chandelier from a tree and sprayed.




Here she is revamped.  The other great perk to this project was that this bug-green chandelier hung outside my office window for two days and made me uber happy everytime I saw it.  Usually there's a neighbor kid hanging from that tree and this was a great palette cleanser.

I'll post later when I get it hung and decorate the outdoor space.

Ta-ta for now!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Family Room Redo

This is the family room before.    Not bad, but it was time for a change.  Scarlett is really into a-toddlin' around and when you're one it's always better to walk with jelly sandwiches in your hand.  Keeping the sofa white was taking more time than I like to admit.


The other big change is......NO TV.   vamoose, it's gone.    summer is too nice to spend sitting indoors.

You can't see it in this shot, but the carpet was dull, safe--  beige.


Here's the old beige witha  bit of sage green oriental rug.   Sometimes I'd swap it out for a rattan rug.   They look great in magazines, but they aren't fun for walking on in bare feet.  Chuck's been begging for something kinder.

so.... What's on the chopping block?  Couch, rug, TV.

Here's a peak entering from the laundry room.   (That's orange zebra stripe.  What do you think the conservative doctor will think when he gets home to this?)


It's to-die-for cushy on the feet.

My latest decorating fascination is boats, the true to life scale models.  They remind me of travel and I love the architectural bones they lend to a space.  The TV will be replaced with a model of a boat I wrote about in The Balancer, which will be published this fall.


Now, don't get too excited for the AFTER PICTURE--- Life's pretty hectic around here and this was just a weekend project, so a lot remains the same.  The thing I love the most is the couch-- I sold the other one,(acutally for more than I paid-- the thing had tuna cans painted black for legs)  It was high- time to upgrade.  So I did.  I really did.  And guess what color it is.  

WHITE

  As Dill (from To Kill a Mockingbird) says, "It's in my blood."  Rooms are so busy that white furniture is always a great palette cleanser.   BUT I made a slip cover for this one to give the room an African feel.  Don't laugh.  I know it's subtle, but I went for a subtle African theme.   FYI making a slip cover is easy.  buy fabric, pin it on your sofa inside out. stitch.  wallaaa, done.


                                                                   FAm room AFTER


Slip cover on couch is beige raw silk, but super easy to clean and nubby so it hides dirt (texture is the secret).  It also gives the vibe of a safari hat.



Not the most dramatic re-do, but it's gonna cut way down on cleaning time and up the family time we'll have together and the kids won't have to hear,  "Not on the white couch!" anymore.



Friday, August 19, 2011

Hitch-hiking Chair

Look what I found
     On the side of the road
               Just BEGGING to be brought home!
             
 Well it wasn't hitchiking exactly, I found a 'curb alert' craiglsist posting for a chair that had been wrecked by a cat.  I had to dash out to the posh end of town to find her languishing at the end of a driveway, but it was worth it!
It's a room and board chair. ROOM AND BOARD!!


 I know, I know, it's what's on the inside that counts, but.... SWOON..  I love the insides of their furniture, too.  I'm not totally superficial.



Here's another shot.  The cat damage is isolated to both sides of the chair.  and the arm tops, too. Check out that top corner edge of the arm-- gross and matted down and chewed cat slobber.  The white you see is the padding that's left after I tore off the ruined scraggles of fabric on the sides.  Also, if you look close, there is nail head trim along the base of the front.  I found a store that sells similar nails and think I can continue the look around the edge to tie in my repair.


Now, the repair...

I had planned on recovering the whole thing.  The sillhouette is lovely, and I'm normally a fan of lighter upholstery, but after getting the two sides off, this thing is really , REALLY well made  (ROOM AND BOARD!!)   and it would be a tragedy if I amateurishly redo the thing entirely.  So, the plan is to go to a fabric store and get some brown that is similar enough that re-doing the arms won't be noticeable.

That didn't happen.  no matching fabric.  

The inspiration for a new sort of fix:

Kat Von D

Kat Von D's arm tats  +  this funky chair from restoration hardware

How will they go together?  I don't know, but it's fun to think about a chair having a rough Friday night and waking up with some new arm artwork.
here we go...




I bought this chartreuse swirl pattern that has the same heft, weight, fuzziness level and even same brown as the chair.  Each side will take 1/2 yard.  First step is to sew 90 degree angle for corner of arm.  See seam.
Next, pin fabric into place and roll salvage end under  (I actually sewed my salvage down, you can barely see the stich, but this will help it stand up to the gymnastic routines kids will put it through).  Get ready to hand stitch it.  I used doubled up brown upholstery thread AND...
an uphosterer's needle.  It's curved.  lifesaver, or rather, finger saver.

















Where do you handstitch?  where your new fabric meets the inside arm of the couch (there is no place to staple here, so stitch away friends, this is the only way unless you can fit your chair under the foot of your sewing machine.
Here are the two arms mostly done.  I left the inner arm (inside fabric) the original brown.  I thought it went with my tat design inspiration and also, it was in perfect condition.  Ahh, that Retrospect label...


Moving along-- next you pull fabric taught and at bottom edge you staple (industrial staplers available at home depot)  staple away, because you are going to vover up the ugly gray things with the nail heads.  look at below pic, there's a staple and there's the nail going right over top.
Step four or something:  Add nail head trim, this will make the new addition blend in more seamlessly.  Seamlessly is going to be sort of relative from this point out, because my kids have heard the hammer and come a-runnin'.  I now have two or three helpers that don't have the best hammer aim, but are brilliantly happy to be helping.
Don't be a hero here, people--   Use plyers to hold the little nail heads!!  Here is K demonstrating.  Also this is a good shot of how we continued the nail head trim all the way around the sides.  I think Kat Von D would approve of the hardcore yet sophisticated edge this gives the chair.



Finished Project.



Now don't tell my sister, but this is her birthday present!   That's one of the reasons the kids were so eager to help.  All in all pretty simple project, fun for the whole family and desperately hard for me to give away.  I hope she likes it!!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Prologue to The Balancer

I'm getting closer and closer to having this paper baby out there wandering in the world, so I think it's high-time I let it out.  Would you like to read the prologue of my first book?  Could you let me  know what you think?


Prologue

Ellen…4months ago.



The core of it all was that the girl had to get my heart; that part was certain and I had already set the dominos in motion that would mark her as the only match for the donation.  But I had to die for that to happen-- a task easier planned than executed.  Reaching my hand toward the dashboard, moonlight washed over my forearm making my skin appear ghostly— the foreboding accuracy of the image sent a chill up my spine and it took a few tries to get my shaking hand to flip on the heat.

I tightened a webbing strap that ran along my narrow waist and sandwiched my chest between the two steel plates that I’d had molded to fit around my torso like a vest.  It looked like part of an elaborate Roman costume, but with how much it weighed, it would have been impossible for even a strong man to wear while standing.  Good thing I wasn’t a man.  The plates were thick enough to take a bullet and allow my heart to keep beating, but this… 

Hot air spewed from the vents out over my shivering hands, but did nothing to warm them.  I nosed the VW a few inches further.  The ancient engine rattled.  It was a sound that had become comforting to me over the past month.  Like the voice of an old friend.  Or more like my only friend. 

The perpendicular traffic blazed by a mere 12 inches away now and the VW rattled on oblivious to what I had planned for us.  My eyes climbed to the dashboard clock.  11:23.

Inhaling deeply and trying to relax the muscles of my body, I reviewed what I had seen in the vision.  The vision.  Previously, at any given time, my mind would have been full of numerous ones that I could choose to review.  But lately, my sight had narrowed-- focused down to a singular point in time--every dream for months now had just been an exact replica of the one I had first had a year ago. 

The vision.

It always started off the same.  At a diner only one mile away sat two men, the harvesting crew from the Lifeflight helicopter.  They lounged at a red vinyl booth.  Dinner plates had been pushed toward the napkin dispenser against the wall.  Though it was nearing midnight, the clanking of forks against plates came from all around.  Mabel’s Diner had a reputation for pie among the truckers and was rarely empty.  Somewhere in the kitchen a platter clattered to the floor.  Back at the booth, the older man, the pilot, turned toward the noise, casually observant.  He had never been able to turn away from an accident no matter how inconsequential.  If something broke, he wanted to witness it.  That gawking tendency was what carried him into the organ retrieval business.

“My first time in Philadelphia,” the heavy-set pilot grunted. 

“Hmph.  You haven’t missed much,” a young slick-haired surgeon said from across the table as he shoveled another forkful of blueberry cobbler into his mouth.  Rob consider ordering one of those, too.

“Well, this place is good.”

The surgeon only chewed.  Ominously quiet.  Like a volcano that could blow at any moment, Rob thought.   Getting conversation out of this guy was like pulling a plant out of a seed.  Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, the older man pushed himself to keep up some semblance of a conversation.  This was only his second flight with Dr. Lars Kale, but it didn’t take long to understand that this was a man who, like any surgeon Rob had ever met, could snap into a carnivore without provocation.  Long ago, Rob had realized that working with surgeons was like living with an alcoholic parent.  Sweet as sugar one moment and cruel as a snake the next.  And this snake was way up there on the corporate ladder with the authority to fire boring helicopter pilots, no questions asked.

The thing about today was that Dr. Kale had been provoked.  Only an hour ago the two of them had touched down at Philadelphia Mercy Hospital on an organ retrieval call.  Motorcyclist; no helmet, was all that Rob had been told.  He and Dr. Kale had made the short flight from North Carolina Regional only to be turned away at the Philadelphia hospital.  There had been some kind of mix-up.  There was no motorcycle death; no organs, not even a red cooler full of ice.  This was a failed mission.  And obviously tallied up to wasted time in Dr. Kale’s book.  

Another forkful of blue-stained pastry disappeared into the emotionless maw of the surgeon.  He could be blaming the dull helicopter pilot right now.  Rob balled up another tiny shred of napkin, rolling it about with his fingers, mentally dancing around options of what he could say to remind the doctor that this wasn’t his fault.

Two burly truckers jostled past their booth giving a moment of distraction.  Rob’s hold on his fears slipped and a few excuses eeked out. 

“I had no way of knowing.  I just pick you docs up and fly where they send me.  I’ve never in my 23 years had a crank call.  Really, how would a person even go about making a fake organ donation call…?”

Kale held up his hand and only glanced up. “Don’t worry about it.  It’s obviously not your fault.”  He smiled.  The action never reaching his grey eyes.  “Chalk it up to some quality time spent on your first visit to Phillie.” Another fork of cobbler disappeared into his mouth before his teeth slid noisily along the stainless steel tines.

I jerked into wakefulness as a car horn blared.  The Volkswagen shook, as the SUV-- some grocery store assault vehicle-- blew past, mere inches from its front bumper.   Headlights from the perpendicular traffic drug their yellow beams across me as I blinked my eyes into seeing what was actually in front of them. 

I breathed deeply and the pleasure of the act, that of simple inhalation taunted my resolve.  I was going to miss being alive.

I coughed the breath out hastily, steeling myself against soft thoughts.  It was time to finish the job.  Knowing it was one of my last uses of the powers I had been born with, I closed my eyes and reached mentally for Mabel’s Diner.  It was odd how this power worked.  Like a part of me could be sent out flying on a reconnaissance mission.  A few times in my long life I had imagined that if I ever had children and had to explain it to them, I would say it was like having your own fairy and you could see what she saw and tell her what to do.  She could flit off and see other places, granted they weren’t too far away, and do your bidding.  All you had to do was think it. 

But I would never have children.  No fairy either.  What I had was control over energy-- all kinds—thermal, emotional, kinetic, molecular bonds, water tension, weather, the list went on and on.  Because really, everything had to do with energy.  And I was its ringmaster.  Well, there were a few of us ringmasters who kept the lions from destroying the circus.  Balancers is what we called ourselves.

I was a balancer.  I had a job to do; my last job in fact.

Another shiver passed down my spine rattling my bones beneath the metal plates I wore. The VW sympathetically rattled along with me.  I hated to think about wrecking her, so I focused on the diner. 

It didn’t take long and I was there-- not in a vision this time, but seeing the location as it actually was at this moment.

The method was actually very simple.  So simple that it was actually more odd that average humans couldn’t do it also.  I sent out a string of energy, not much different than having an emotion, except that I stayed with it.  This is what the humans couldn’t do.  Those few millejoules of energy would jump along from molecule to molecule, be it air, tree, person, whatever, to the destination I picked. Which was right now, a point three feet above the pilot and surgeon’s booth. 

The next part of ‘seeing’ the scene was a bit trickier, but still basic physics.  Really no more complicated than the energy transfer from cup to cup along the string of a child’s homemade telephone. Instead of noise transfer, this was light and instead of cups, I had quarks of energy that worked like mirrors sending their information skipping along a string of molecules.

What I could see of the diner was blurry—this was a long distance for the picture to travel.  But I could make out enough to tell that the visions were right on.  On the table discarded near the napkin dispenser and the finished plates was the pilot’s walkie talkie.

The volume knob at the top was currently in the off position.  The organ harvesting team didn’t plan on getting any more calls tonight.  But, crucial to my plan was that they hear the next call that would come in.  Focusing on the electromagnetic energy of the walkie, it didn’t take much effort to practice a little telekinesis and rotate the circular knob into the on position and then continue the turn until it reached full volume.  A low static hum came from the device now, but with the bustle around the diner, neither of the men noticed.

That was it.  I pulled my mind’s eye away from the scene at the diner and stared out the windshield before me.  Just below the horizon of the dashboard, seeming larger than they were a moment ago, the red digits on the clock radio switched to 11:24.  One more minute. 

I still had a final domino to nudge into place.  The truck driver.  Ray Stevens.  Father of two, divorced, driver for Calico Foods.  He was running late on his delivery and pushing the speed limit.  He was now only a few blocks away from me and covering the distance fast.

Was I really strong enough to do this?  I knew I had the willingness to die, dying for the betterment of the planet was what I was created for.  But I would admit that I was scared, not really of death, but of failure.  Would I be able to stay strong long enough to keep a shield up to protect the truck driver and also slow down the semi so it didn’t kill anyone else?  Normally, yes.  But tonight it would all have to be done in the moments that my soul left this body.  On top of that it was still just theory that being T-boned by a speeding semi would be enough to kill me. 

I could hear the roar of the 18 wheels approaching, close enough now that even human ears could have discerned it from the rest of the traffic.  One minute passed so quickly.  I looked left and could pick out the brilliant headlights of the big rig among the sea of smaller ones.

Lead churned in my stomach as I brought my foot to hover over the gas pedal.  My palms were sweating on the steering wheel.  In my entire life, I had never experienced sweating palms.

Now only three blocks away, Ray shifted his immense truck into cruise control.  Just as I had seen that he would.  The highway here straightened out giving drivers the feel of a freeway.  It was a favorite location for the cops to hang out and catch motorists who got carried away in this feeling and forgot that they were still in town.  Ray was now going 15 miles over the speed limit.

70 miles per hour.  Being struck by something at that speed would cause certain and instant death.  The gruesome crushing injuries aside… I couldn’t count on those alone because drivers were ejected from cars all the time .  But it was a fact that the brain impacting its own skull at 56 mph was fatal.  I had a 14 mph cushion.

I could see Ray now, staring forward.  I could feel his emotions—he was eager to meet someone.  He was distracted.  I shielded him and prayed it would hold. 

Two seconds.  A shudder of fear and dread shook the core of my body.  Another first for me.

I checked my shields.  And stomped the gas pedal.

The VW shot forward four feet.  Directly into the path of the oncoming semi.  Ray never even touched the brakes.  There was no squeal of protesting metal like I had read about.  Only silence and those headlights.  They were the size of wrecking balls as they impacted my thin driver’s side door with the ferocious speed of a meteorite.

My second to last thought was that I was being killed by light.  Killed by energy.

My last thought was of her.

…Claire.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

fabio stole my credit card number

Here's a little play-by-play of today's early morning phonecall. 

“Hello Mrs. Shepard,  this is your credit card company calling to confirm some unusual activity on you card.  First is your card in your possession?”

“Yes.”

“First, a transaction at orderviagra.com…?”

Silence and confusion on my end.

“… $897…?  Mrs. Shepard..?”

I was just kind of stunned at this point.  I am physically holding my card (let’s pretend it’s black) and in that moment, it’s like it suddenly transformed into a bag of dog poo.  It’s like the most Harry Potter experience that I’ve ever had in my life.  I’ve got it in this primal pincher-grasp, too repulsed to touch it too much, but also afraid to drop it for fear of what it’s gonna buy next if I take my eyes off of it. 

I find my voice and deny the purchase.  The MasterCard guy continues to list charges made on various male enhancement sites, all the names of which are increasingly cringe-inducing, and by the time he finishes, I honestly feel like this little rectangle of plastic is in need of a bleaching.  I also feel like it's betrayed me.

I deny these charges, too and he proceeds with a string of others as I rub my temples and wonder if my credit report has now been irrevocably smudged with a big perverted smudgey blemish.

“Alright, Ma’am.”  (That title never helps when I’m irritated) “We had a little bet around here that you weren’t planning a party.”  Great, I got the humorous fraud investigator.  “How about $700 for miscellaneous charges at 1-800 flowers.com?”

Orange flowers

$700!  For flowers!!  Now I feel really betrayed.   It’s my credit card—why can’t I drop benjamins like that on flowers.  Yeah, I just said benjamins.  I’m the victim of fraud—a brush with crime like that allots me the use of a few choice bits of slang.  I speak into the phone, “No.”
A little laugh on the other side of the phone, “Alright.  Moving along.  There’s a few more floral places.  Have you bought flowers—a lot of flowers--  in the past 36 hours?”
“No.”  Bitterness actually has a taste, I  can tell you now.
“Okay, another Viagra one…?”
“We already discussed those.  Not me.”
“How about Lowe’s for $245?  It was for a shipment of wood.”
“Not me.  But if it's being shipped, then you have an address.  Can you give me that address and I can go there and wait till this guy gets home ?"
"Why would you want the address Ma'am?"
"Because he stole my card.  And I would like those flowers.   And that wood, too."
"I don't have the address and I don't think that would be a good idea.  We'll handle prosecuting the crime and all the charges will be removed from your account.  Don't worry about your credit score."
That's all good and well,  but not as satisfying as I would have thought.  All of the sudden, I  don't care about me and my sorry little pile of legit purchases and my shiny credit score.  I want to know what happens next in Fabio's story.  What's going to happen to Fabio's weekend?  Will the flowers and viagra never arrive?  Will he be slapping on his cheap cologne-- (actually who am I kidding, he probably stole your number to buy some good stuff.)  Anyway, will he be getting all ready for this hot weekend and lady after lady dumps him because the flowers he promised never arrive?  And what of the wood?-- how does that fit into the romantic mood he's setting here?  It's this cryptic puzzle... my own riddle of the sphinx.  What's gonna happen?
But as the fraud investigator wraps up his queries for me, I realize I'm never gonna find out.  My credit will remain unbesmirched.  I won't have to pay for any of the stolen charges.  My credit report will remain a boring string of predictablility. 
All in all this Romeo was planning on having quite the weekend on my dime.  And do you know what I'm wishing?
Not that he'll get run over by the flower delivery truck.
Not that his mother will see the packages of Viagra and make him feel really embarrassed.
Not even that he gets a wicked splinter from all that wood.
What I'm wishing is that he makes one more purchase on my card.  One more purchase that ties the story together for me.  What are you doing this weekend criminal man?  Why the wood?
So, hat’s off to you, purchaser of an expensive romantic weekend on my card.  You made me actually desire to be robbed again.
You also made my $1 purchase at Redbox seem really lame.