Failed methods of acquiring endorsments

This week begins the hunt for author endorsements, written reviews, pre-publication praise and other ways to prove to you, the book-purchasing public(whom I love), that my book is worth a gander.  Well, let me tell ya, it’s not easy garnering gander-inducing, pause-promoting and grab-this-tome-and-dash-to-the-cash-register compelling blurbs.  I’m actually going to settle for stick-this-under-your-coat-and-head-for-exit. In fact a sentence like that-- maybe even that exact one, with the addendum “*and tweet about it” may appear on the front cover.  You don’t want to miss this, put Balancer on your Christmas list NOW.

Royalties, smhmoyalties. Give me a, “I dig this book. LOL”.  And I won’t press charges. Add an emoticon and we’re good.

The following are a few samples of letters I’m on the fence about sending. Please peruse and let me know which ones deserve some postage love. And by the way, if any of you own one of those planes that drag the behemoth banner things behind, PLEASE, stop reading and email me now.  Right now.

Other than just waiting for that email, here are a few of my other ideas to drum up publicity:

1)      Dear Willow and Jaden Smith,

Man you guys are cute.  Could you hop on over to the money room and just mail a few bills, whichever ones happen to stick to your popsicle-juice-dripping covered hands will do just fine, I’m not picky—to my home address? What, you’re not tall enough to reach the doorknob of the front door and the golden floors are too slippery? That is a problem. Jaden, please use those freakishly over-developed karate biceps and hoist your sister up.  Also, could you get a picture of you doing this, because, as I said before—you two are just so cute!

2)      Dear Ellen,

Aaaah, Ellen is actually reading something I wrote!  Aaaaah! Since you’ve already read this far, how about another 200 pages? I’ll attach them and cross my fingers!  Aaah! I’ll await your glowing written review and start practicing my surprised face for when you jump out at me in the grocery store and together we whisk off into the Los Angelesoian sunset for a live taping. Oprah had her Gail and they interviewed Stephenie Meyer; obviously that worked out well for all involved. Ellen, I will be your Gail and your Stephenie. This will leave us more time for guitar hero and at the same time avoid those pesky gay rumors. 

3)      Dear JKRowling. 

My name is Jennifer Shepard.  I’m a muggle...   

it goes on, but really who are we kidding?  Unless I can have an owl hand-deliver it, it’s not going to have the power to distract her from skipping round and round her enormous English castle's kitchen. (inserted from Wikipedia-- most common symptom of money-induced sugar high: skipping)